Personal Finance

My wife asked me how much I have in my savings account but I don't want to tell her - am I in the wrong?

Rich Duprey

Published: October 21, 2024 10:45 am

Money may be the root of all evil, but it can also be a cause of considerable unhappiness in a relationship. According to the American Psychological Association, nearly a third of all adult relationships have money as a major source of conflict.

From different values about money to spending habits (too much or too little), much of the dissension is about power and control over the household’s purse springs. Keeping secrets from each other about money is also a prescription for marital strife. And that seems to be at the root of this Redditor’s recent problem he had with his wife.

Over on the r/amiwrong subreddit, Redditor 58shineson wrote that he and his wife have separate bank accounts. “Her money is hers, and mine is mine.” He was taken aback, though, when his wife one day asked how much money he had in his savings account. Because the two occasionally like to go to the casino the way others go to sporting events or travel, she wanted him to take extra money out of his savings so they could gamble with a little more money.

As he likes to budget his finances and doesn’t touch his savings, the Redditor declined. He also didn’t think it was any of her business how much money he had in his savings account and told her so. Now his wife is upset. What the Redditor wants to know is whether he is wrong for not telling her how much he had.

Why 24/7 Wall St. is covering this:

• Couples having separate bank accounts, or a mix of joint accounts — hers, mine, and ours — is an increasingly common situation.
• Yet transparency and having a open, honest conversations about finances is required regardless of the situation.
• Because financial stress is a leading cause of marital strife that can lead to divorce, being secretive about finances is a prescription for trouble.

A merger of equals

Couples having separate finances is not as uncommon as it used to be. It can also be beneficial. Two different bank accounts allows for a degree of financial independence for each person. They can spend or save as they see fit without having to justify an expense or lack thereof to their partner.

It can also minimize financial abuse by one spouse over the other. That can come from one spouse being a spendthrift or a miser, or from being able to control the other, especially in households where one spouse makes disproportionately more than the other.

Yet a lack of communication about finances, even when couples have separate bank accounts, is still a serious problem. It indicates a level of mistrust towards the spouse over their being able to handle the information. You should be able to have an open and honest relationship even when you each have your own account.

Hiding the truth

The most popular upvoted response to the Redditor’s question came from peakpenguins who acknowledged 58shineson being right about not wanting to touch his savings to go gamble. However, he also said, “Honestly, it would be super strange to me to be married to someone who isn’t even comfortable telling me how much they have in their savings account.”

Perhaps the wife shouldn’t have inquired, since the purpose for wanting to know was for a relatively frivolous reason. The husband, though, needs to ask himself why he doesn’t want his wife to know how much money he has squirreled away.

Still, it underscores the importance of having transparent conversations about money. The Redditor’s secrecy and mistrust of his wife created doubt in her that boiled over into dissension.

And while there are good arguments to be made about having separate finances, there are disadvantages, too.

Better together

According to research conducted by the Indiana University Kelley School of Business, married couples having joint accounts tend to be happier. They fight less over financial issues, likely because they have a better understanding of how household expenses are settled.

Yet Kelley’s assistant professor of marketing Jenny Olsen said even having joint accounts “should warrant a conversation with your partner, given the effects that we’re seeing here.” Financial stress is also a leading cause for divorce. Almost one-quarter of all divorces happen because of money.

Which seems to be the overriding theme whether bank accounts are separate or joint. Communication and honesty about financial matters will be a major step towards marital bliss.