Is it fair to give one of your kids help with a home down payment and not the other? That’s the question a Reddit poster asked recently. While at first glance it may seem like the answer is an obvious no, digging a little deeper into the details shows that the original poster (OP) may have been exactly right in the financial decisions that he made. 

Here are the details of what happened along with some tips on managing money and finances when you have multiple children. 

Family details show helping his son was the right move

The OP who posted the question about the down payment explained that his son works hard but has been struggling to save money for a home in today’s competitive housing market. When his son found a property he loved recently, he was a bit short on the down payment. The OP had just won a sports bet and had some extra cash, so he and his wife helped out his son and gave him the money to put down on his dream home.

When his daughter found out, she began accusing her parents of favoritism, claiming they never gave her financial help, and badmouthing her parents to others. 

There are a few issues with her behavior, though. For one thing, the OP said that the family helped her out a lot in the past after she dropped out of college and went into rehab, which her parents paid a fortune for. She’s also married to someone wealthy and had no trouble purchasing a house that was bigger than the one her parents own.

As the OP said, he isn’t wealthy, and helping to buy a third vacation home for his daughter’s family isn’t something he wants to do.  

Why fair isn’t always equal when it comes to helping your kids

Whenever parents have multiple kids, there’s a risk of being accused of favoritism — especially when money is at stake. The reality, though, as several other Reddit posters pointed out in the comments, is that fair isn’t always equal.  Sometimes, kids need help in different ways or at different times, and sometimes one would benefit more than the other. 

This is an issue that could come up again in the future for this family if, for example, the daughter’s wealthy husband has no trouble paying for college for their kids while the son’s kids may struggle. The OP may want to give more money to the son’s kids to help them out, which may be the fair choice even if it’s not the equal one to enable both sets of grandkids to go to school debt-free.  And this is just one example of many. 

Ultimately, the OP must do what he feels is best for the entire family, especially given his limited financial resources. He may want to explain to his daughter that she got the rehab while the son got the house, or he may decide he doesn’t owe an explanation to anyone. He may also decide he wants to split everything 50/50 going forward now that he knows his daughter is upset — or he may opt to use his money where it’s needed most.

There is no real wrong answer to this situation and working with a financial advisor and perhaps even a family counselor could help the family to work out these issues so they can make the choices that align with their values. Of course, the OP doesn’t want his daughter to feel disfavored, but at the same time, he also needs to make the choices that are best for all the people he loves. 

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