The recent decision by President Biden not to seek a second term may be the most dramatic retirement decision in the news right now, but across the nation ordinary Americans are grappling with what their own retirement will look like, or even if it will be possible. Nearly half of Gen Xers have nothing at all saved for retirement, though in only 6 years the oldest members of that generation will start hitting 65. Hundreds of thousands of Americans are making the decision to retire  abroad, where the cost of living and medical expenses are often dramatically lower than in the United States. Although the financial picture gets most of our attention, it is only one element of a happy retirement. A long-term Harvard study reveals what it really takes to be happy, and it isn’t money.

24/7 Wall St. Insights

• A Harvard Study of happiness following the same cohort of men since 1938 revealed some similarities between those who reported greater satisfaction in life.
• By far the strongest lesson from the study is that social relationships are the top determinant of happiness in life.
• At any age, but especially heading into retirement, we need to put as much or more time into cultivating relationships as growing our bank accounts.
• Although money isn’t the key to happiness, it is necessary to support us while we find it. Check out this investment advice: 2 Dividend Legends to Hold Forever

The Harvard Study

In 1938 researchers began systematically tracking the physical and mental health of 268 Harvard sophomores to figure out what it takes to be healthy and happy—an issue of particular relevance because the study was taking place during the Great Depression. The Harvard Study of Adult Development originally focused only on men, as women were not admitted to the university at that time. The most famous participant was a young man who would one day become president: John F. Kennedy. 19 members of the original study are still alive and in their 90s. Over time the research expanded to include the spouses and children of the original participants as well as a group of 456 Boston inner-city residents to find out how social class would impact the results.

Relationships Are Key

Robert Waldinger is a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the current director of the study. He says that the major finding is that satisfying relationships are not only a major key to happiness, but to physical health and longevity as well. Relationships seem to slow down the process of mental and physical decline that accompanies aging. A person’s satisfaction in their relationships by age 50 is a better predictor of their physical and mental health by age 80 than IQ, genetics, or even cholesterol levels. And these findings held true regardless of social class, holding up for inner-city residents as well as wealthy social elites. The correlation is so strong, Waldinger boldly asserts that loneliness is as bad for our health as smoking or alcoholism.

It’s Not All Blue Skies

Having healthy relationships does not mean living in Pollyanna-like oblivion to life’s problems. Conflict was a daily part of life for some of the married couples in the Harvard study. Nevertheless, they could experience the health benefits of being in a relationship as long as the underlying foundation of trust was strong. Basically, they had to believe their partner would be there for them, even if they did not always see eye-to-eye. Nevertheless, frequent conflict is not ideal. Women in less conflict-ridden relationships experienced less depression and stronger memory functions over time than those who fought with their partners more frequently and intensely.

Building Your “Relationship Portfolio”

All of this boils down to the fact that all the attention we pour into our investment portfolios, diet, exercise, and self-care may be largely for naught if we neglect our relationships–or think we don’t need them at all. With that in mind, here are some suggestions of ways you can build a strong “relationship portfolio” to support a happy retirement.

1. Your Love Life

Most people have a romantic love interest at some point in their lives. These can provide the greatest sense of satisfaction, and thus the best health benefits, because they are so intimate and long-lasting. On the flip side, they can also bring the most misery if the relationship goes sour. Whether you marry or are just in a long-term relationship, have a look at John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a powerful and practical research-based approach that can dramatically improve your relationship skills.

2. Connecting With Your Children

During the 20 or so years your children live at home, they’re the center of your world—whether you want them to be or not! But if you live to be 80 or more, that means only 25% of your life will have those live-in relationships. In the other 75%, you’ll need to find fulfillment and purpose somewhere else. That doesn’t mean we ever stop being parents of course. But in the Western world, the nature of parenthood changes with adult children to more of a colleague and friend than an authority figure. You’ll need to be thoughtful and creative about how to maintain a connection without driving your children away as they build their own lives. Staying abreast of technology is a major plus—texting, social media, and limited videoconferencing can help you feel connected without placing inconvenient demands on your adult children’s time.

3. Friends for Life

If you’ve valued and cultivated friendships over a lifetime, you might be fortunate enough to still be besties with someone you knew in elementary school. More commonly, you’ve probably lost touch with some people who you were once inseparable with. Making new friends as an adult is not easy. People are busy and tend to move around quite a bit so they can be cautious about investing in new relationships. Try reaching out to former friends you’ve lost touch with, as well as getting involved in sports, volunteer work, social clubs, classes, or religious institutions where you can meet other people with whom you may share things in common. And if new acquaintances don’t reciprocate, remember there are 8 billion other people in the world to try out!

4. Pets Aren’t Enough

Anywhere from 25-40% of the population identifies as introverts, often defined as people who feel energized by being alone and drained from social interaction. The COVID-19 lockdowns were a glorious time for introverts . . . at first. But for most people, regardless of personality type, loneliness and depression took their toll over time. This was a period of record pet ownership as people tried to find substitutes for human interaction or a distraction from contentious relationships at home.

Studies have demonstrated that pet ownership has therapeutic benefits, such as releasing the “love hormone” oxytocin in both the owner and the pet when they interact. So by all means, invest in a pet if you are so inclined. But as much as you enjoy talking to it, dressing it, and in every way treating it as your “fur baby,” it can’t talk back and provide the comprehensive type of relationship a human can. So see your pet as a supplement, not a substitute, for real human interaction.

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