24 Pumpkin Spice Things We Really Don’t Need This Fall

Blue Diamond, a co-op of more than 3,000 growers, is the giant of the almond business, accounting for more than 80 percent of supplies of the nut worldwide. Of course, just plain old almonds probably have a limited market, so in addition to the basic product, the company also sells nuts in such flavors as salt ‘n vinegar, wasabi & soy sauce, and sweet Thai chili. And of course — how could they resist? — pumpkin spice. Their version of pumpkin spice seasoning contains sugar, “spice” (unspecified), sea salt, corn maltodextrin, pumpkin powder, canola oil, corn flour, “extractives of paprika,” “natural flavor” (again unspecified), molasses, and brown sugar. When health gurus tout the advantages of daily almond consumption, this might not be what they have in mind.

The poor bagel. This chewy ring-shape roll of Polish-Jewish origins, its dough traditionally hand-rolled and boiled before baking, is one of the world’s great bread varieties. All too often these days, though, it’s just a spongy, machine-made, pre-sliced roll, pressed into service as a makeshift pizza crust or embedded with raisins, blueberries, or chocolate chips. Now it’s being turned into a toaster-friendly variation on pumpkin pie, containing real pumpkin along with, says the Thomas’ website, “spices and cinnamon.” Really? Have a little respect.

The pumpkin spice thing is obviously contagious across international borders. Even one of Italy’s most famous culinary exports has caught the pumpkin spice bug. Several Italian producers of balsamic vinegar — the cheap stuff, not the pricey artisanal product that gave balsamic its exalted reputation to begin with — have apparently decided that you need a little pumpkin pie with your arugula. The In Love Gourmet brand (a company that also flavors balsamic vinegar with such things as chocolate, coconut, and bourbon), for instance, spikes their vinegar with cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice, and recommends sprinkling it over shortcake. No, grazie.

At the end of a long, stressful day, what could be better than pouring a glass of wine, running a nice warm bath, and sinking into a tub full of…pumpkin pie? This mix of therapeutic epsom salt, vitamin C crystals, and essential oils — including, yes, pumpkin seed oil — spiced with cinnamon and “pumpkin fragrance,” might very well relax you. It might also make you want to get out of the tub, towel off, throw on a robe, and go eat something sweet.

No pumpkins were harmed in the production of this exfoliating scrub, meant for use on hands, feet, and body — despite the image of a plump, shiny little pumpkin on the label. Though it contains grape seed oil, cranberry oil, and grapefruit seed extract, among other ingredients, pumpkin is notably absent. Spices? They’re listed by Keyano simply as “Fragrance (Parfum),” but presumably include the usual suspects. Can scrubs evoking mincemeat and pecan pie be far behind?

Its advocates promote bone broth as a kind of cure-all that strengthens joints and bones, aids digestion, improves sleep, and helps people lose weight, among other things. What does “natural pumpkin spice flavor” add to its purported abilities? And how about the stevia and monk fruit with which it’s sweetened? Well, never mind. This stuff is paleo-friendly and dairy-, gluten-, and soy-free, so go to it.

There used to be a custom of serving warm apple pie with a slice of cheddar cheese, but it’s unlikely that anybody has ever put Holland’s gouda on America’s pumpkin pie. The 117-year-old Dutch cheese company Beemster, however, apparently thought that cheese and pumpkin pie would go well together, so it infused its gouda with the usual pumpkin-spice ingredients — nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves — adding cardamom and anise seed for good measure. No gouda.

Native, which produces additive-free deodorants and soaps, has somehow decided that people might want their armpits to smell like dessert. Do you want your armpits to smell like dessert? Really?

Remember the time you spilled your PSL in the car and the interior smelled like pumpkin pie for weeks? Now you can wallow in that same sickly sweet aroma every time you go for a drive, all season long. And wait until you get a whiff of the bumper!

If we like it, our dogs will too, right? That’s presumably the theory behind products like Bocce Bakery’s canine confections in such variations as Market Greens, Turmeric Latte, and Monkey Bread — flavors it’s fairly certain no pooch has ever curled up on the living room rug and dreamed about. And thus, too, these pumpkin-spice-flavored teeth-cleaning biscuits for Fido. There’s dried pumpkin involved in the recipe, as well as “natural pumpkin spice flavor” — which presumably doesn’t include nutmeg, known to be deleterious to dogs (cinnamon’s just fine, however). Of course, the dog might just prefer a nice big beef bone, which would clean his or her teeth pretty well, too.

Pumpkin spice in your coffee? In your pasta? On your bumper? Amateurs! If you were really committed to pumpkin spice, you’d make sure that your whole house smelled like it, all the time. That’s what this Glade plug-in is for. Imagine constantly breathing in that fresh, bracing scent of cardamom, nutmeg, ginger extract, crystallized caramel, pumpkin spice latte, and molasses. Imagine pumpkin spice becoming part of you every time you inhale. Sounds wonderful, no?

Hand sanitizers have sometimes been criticized for being less effective at fighting bacteria than plain soap and hot water, but they remain popular and are certainly convenient. Of course you want to rid your hands of any germs you might have picked up in the course of your day — but do you really want to walk around smelling like a bakery at Thanksgiving time afterwards?

The atmosphere in a hookah bar is cloying enough, especially to the non-partaker. The dense mingled aromas of various flavors of shisha, as hookah tobacco is known, add up to an airborne fruit cocktail that might include the mingled scents of everything from apples to watermelon. Starbuzz and several other shisha producers make a pumpkin-spiced tobacco, which can only make things worse. What have they been smoking?

Cedar’s had the idea of combining certain features of an all-American holiday dessert made with a kind of New World winter squash with an ancient Middle Eastern spread involving chickpeas and olive oil. The ecumenical spirit is admirable; the results, not really. Several other brands have followed suit, one producing a pumpkin spice hummus made with white beans instead of the traditional chickpeas and topped with apricots, cranberries, and sunflower seeds.

Serious cocktail-lovers have long become inured to so-called “martinis” flavored with chocolate, watermelon, coconut, and the like, but the pumpkin spice martini goes just a bit too far. A typical example, like the one served seasonally at Bacaro Italian Tavern on Long Island, includes vanilla vodka, pumpkin liqueur, and RumChata (a blend of rum and cream with cinnamon and vanilla), garnished with a cinnamon stick. Sounds more like a milkshake than a cocktail.

Peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and bacon, peanut butter and bananas… There are plenty of good things to do with peanut butter. Turning it from a classic spread into yet another example of pumpkin spice overkill is probably not one of them. Peanut Butter & Co.’s version of this unnecessary portmanteau creation combines pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, allspice, salt, and cane sugar with, presumably, some peanuts in there somewhere.

Culture clash alert: Pumpkin pie is a Yankee dish, typically sweet, mild, and creamy. Salsa, a well-loved condiment — it overtook ketchup in sales in the U.S. a quarter century ago — of Hispanic origins, is typically salty, spicy, and chunky. Introducing one to the other is either a gastronomic innovation of startling brilliance or, um, indigestible silliness.

Lester’s Fixins soda, a house brand of the 85-location Rocket Fizz Soda Pop & Candy Shop chain, comes in a number of quirky flavors — among them Buffalo wing, mustard, and ranch dressing — so it’s not surprising the chain wanted to join the pumpkin spice club. Though the company calls its soda Pumpkin Pie Soda, no actual pumpkin is involved — just “natural and artificial flavors,” presumably including cinnamon and the rest. Cheers.

This iconic, often ridiculed “pork with ham” meat product exists in more than 15 varieties, one of which is a seasonal offering flavored with you-know-what. “Hints of cinnamon, clove, allspice and nutmeg give this new, limited edition variety a subtle sweetness,” announces the Spam website. Since the second ingredient listed on the label after the meat is sugar, “subtle sweetness” might not be the right term.

Nothing says “pumpkin pie” more vividly than a mixture of wheat and barley grass, alfalfa, spinach, broccoli, pineapple, carrots, cherries, açaí, beets, raspberries, and peppermint — right? This Amazing Grass product is not a protein powder, but rather a so-called “superfood” in powder form. It’s full, says the company website, of vitamins and minerals, phytonutrients, digestive enzymes, and probiotics, with that added touch of cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon, exactly the flavors a mélange like this is crying out for. Isn’t it?

England’s Twining family got into the tea trade in the 17th century. By 1749, Thomas Twining’s company was exporting tea to America, and in 1837, it began supplying tea to the royal family. You’d think that a company with that distinguished lineage would be above mere fad. But nooooo. Chai, which originates in India, is already spiced tea, typically involving such “pumpkin spices” as cinnamon, ginger, and cloves, as well as cardamom and pepper. Twinings Pumpkin Spice Chai adds nutmeg and allspice to what was already a perfectly good aromatic beverage, presumably just so Twinings can tap into pumpkin spice mania. We are not amused.

Sure, the aroma of pumpkin spice can be overwhelming at times, but presumably almost anyone would find it preferable to the odor of, well, ordure. Here’s a spray to not exactly clear the air but fill it with something pleasant, if perhaps overused. Shouldn’t the name be “After You Go,” though?

Tortilla chips — deep-fried triangles or strips of corn tortilla (or some industrial approximation of same) — have gotten along fine for many years with nothing but salsa, or maybe some melted nacho cheese, for company. Obviously, the innovative folks at Trader Joe’s thought the chips needed a little help. The grocery store chain stirred as much pumpkin purée as it could into the corn-dough base of the tortillas, then added pumpkin seeds, cinnamon, and nutmeg for good measure. At least now we know what we can do with that pumpkin pie salsa (see No. 18).

You know how designers sometimes call dark purple “eggplant” and pale green “pistachio”? Apparently, “pumpkin spice” has become a color name, too, as in the case of Bernat’s Pumpkin Spice Blanket knitting yarn. No spice aromas are involved here, thankfully; it’s all about the orange. But then it should just be called “pumpkin,” shouldn’t it? The color of pumpkin spice — ground-up cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and nutmeg — would be an earthy brown. The Bernat’s folks couldn’t be trying to capitalize on a craze, could they?