My daughter refuses my ‘live at home’ rule for college – should I still pay or hold firm?

A mother of three girls recently called Dave Ramsey and was looking for some advice, which was posted on Dave’s YouTube channel. She told her children since middle school that she would cover their college expenses if they lived at home. The idea behind staying at home is that college becomes much more affordable. It helps that many colleges are located within 20 minutes of their home.

Both parents have had conversations with their daughters about how their debt has caused sleepless nights and a lot of stress. However, despite these conversations and the offer to stay at home for free college, the oldest daughter wants to dorm. The mother is worried about this and called Dave for some guidance.

The Daughter Is Opting Out of the Rules

Dave’s co-host didn’t waste much time before getting into the matter. He asserted that the daughter is opting out of the rules and that the parents shouldn’t pay for her college education. Dave backed this up by saying that the daughter shouldn’t even receive money for groceries.

While this may sound brutal, both parents took the time to lay out the rules. It’s also extremely unfair to the other two girls if they stay at home and the parents still pay for the oldest daughter’s college education. Breaking your word sends a signal to all three daughters that they can wiggle out of challenging financial situations by pulling at the parents’ heartstrings.

It will be expensive for the oldest daughter to dorm. The state school she’s looking at is six hours away and requires that you live on campus and have the food program. The food program is an additional $2.5k to $4k per year. If the daughter chooses this path, they have to preserve their integrity and stick with the rules they established since the daughters were in middle school. It can also prompt the daughter to find a side hustle and get good at budgeting.

Watching Someone Make a Bad Financial Decision

It’s tough to watch your children make what you view as bad financial decisions when they grow up and become adults. However, it’s more difficult to rein them in as they get older. During a humorous part of the episode, Dave mentions that his “Dad voice” no longer works since his children have become adults. Not even his dog takes the “Dad voice” seriously anymore.

Dave explains that he can only persuade his children at this stage. He approaches it by saying that he can give advice asan older, wise friend who has made mistakes and believes that the child is following a similar path. However, if the child, who is an adult at this point, doesn’t want the advice, Dave doesn’t have much leverage to continue the conversation.

The mother finds herself in this situation. She wants the daughter to make the better financial decision, but living in a dorm presents enough benefits for the daughter to choose her own path. Interestingly, Dave’s co-host had the opposite approach with college. He wants his children to live in dorms so they can see more people and experience different perspectives and ways of living. 

Just as people watch their parents and friends make bad financial decisions, parents may have to watch their children make bad financial decisions. You can offer mentorship, but your children will start to become more independent as they turn into adults.