Should you marry someone whose mother is financially dependent on them, even if their mother makes no attempt to keep her spending under control? This is an issue that a Reddit user is currently facing.
The Redditor is concerned about the impact that the financial arrangement is having on her boyfriend and is also worried about what kind of consequences the situation could have for their joint future if they take the relationship to the next level. Sadly, the Redditor is right to be worried, as family money drama can have a detrimental impact on a relationship.
Here are some more details about this situation, along with some advice on how to move forward.
Mom is taking advantage already — and things could only get worse
The story that the Reddit user told does not paint a very positive picture of the financial relationship between her boyfriend and his mom.
Her boyfriend is 33-years-old, and he continually helps his 57-year-old mom. Since his mother did not prepare for retirement, the original poster (OP) said her boyfriend regularly helps with rent, covers her phone bill and other bills, sends her gas money, and gives her between $100 and $400 every other week.
The boyfriend’s mother also has debt the OP’s boyfriend is thinking of paying back for her. Plus, her landlord may be selling the house his mom lives in, so he is thinking of buying the house for her so she can stay. And he is thinking of buying her a car since her old one constantly needs something fixed.
The OP said that she feels like this creates financial struggles for her boyfriend and puts a strain on his mental health because he has nothing to show for his hard work. She said his mom does nothing to make things easier, has expensive tastes and spends wildly. Sadly, the boyfriend is blind to the fact that his mom may be taking advantage of him. The one time he did try to voice his concerns, it led to conflict and mom ultimately began asking for money again a short time later.
Unsurprisingly, the OP is concerned about how this could impact her future with her boyfriend. They have talked about getting more serious, but she worries that he will not be able to buy a house with her because he owns his mom’s house and that he will end up supporting his mom throughout retirement or potentially even having his mom move in.
There are too many red flags for the OP to get more involved
Sadly, the OP’s story is chock full of red flags that suggest she may indeed have a big problem here. Since her boyfriend already tried to talk to his mom about not helping anymore and it was unsuccessful, it is very unlikely he is ever going to cut off his mom. Plus, since the OP’s boyfriend wants to buy a house and a car for his mom, it seems like he’s not too motivated to change the situation.
With his mom very unlikely to stop taking advantage of the situation and the boyfriend showing with his behavior that he’s not going to make her stop, the OP will need to decide if she’s OK getting more serious with someone whose future income is always going to go elsewhere. She should think about what this will look like not just if she and her boyfriend want to buy a house together, but also if they were to get married, combine finances, and have children.
Unless the OP is truly going to be OK with being his mom’s benefactor for the rest of the mother’s life, the OP should likely avoid getting any more committed. If she really wants to try to make the relationship work, she’d likely have to make an ultimatum that any help to mom is curtailed or the relationship ends. Even in that situation, she should wait a while to see if the boyfriend really can cut off the purse strings before she moves forward. Otherwise, she’s setting herself up for a lifetime of conflict and financial woes.
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