My Wife and I Have Seen Our Incomes Explode but Are Worried About Leaving Friends Behind – What Should We Do?

In another episode of, “Why are Rich People So Weird,” we explore why rich people love to humble-brag so much. We have a Reddit post from the subreddit “r/fatFIRE,” (wealth and financial independence/retire early/retire with a fat stash). The post is titled, How Did You Manage Diverging Incomes From Your Friends?

The OP (Original Poster), GenericHam, says that his wife’s friends vacation with them every single year. OP has started to notice that the incomes among friends are becoming noticeably different. His wife’s friends have to take care of their parents, and he doesn’t. This has resulted in his wealth, “starting to take off.” OP expresses uncomfortable feelings on vacations and get-togethers. OP suggests that they can afford much nicer vacations and activities than the rest of the group. OP wants to know how to handle these social events.

Reactions

Money.

My initial reaction was, “Gee, this guy sounds fun.” I noticed that instead of saying “his” friends or “their” friends he distinctly said, “my wife’s friends.” To me, this denotes a lack of respect for this group of people to begin with. If after years and years of joined vacations, he doesn’t consider these people his friends, or their friends, that is the first issue to me. And that doesn’t even have anything to do with money.

My second reaction was just complete amazement at this question. This person seems to be quickly morphing into “that guy.” You know the guy. The guy who invites you out for a really nice meal out of your budget and then doesn’t pick up your tab. The guy who insists on equally sharing a bill after he picks out the event without consideration for everyone’s budget. The guy who refuses to just pay for things he wants to do that others can’t afford. I found myself agreeing with the comments that most people left.

Key Points from 24/7:

Man with money.

Most of the commenters have come to agree on one of three conclusions:

First: Don’t be that guy. Practice not making it weird if you have to. Simply plan vacations within everyone’s budgets just like OP has been doing their entire relationship. Nothing has to change at all. Cheap things are just as fun as they’ve always been. Just because OP now has more money, doesn’t mean the quality of activities available within his previous budget has gone down or anything. Quality time with quality friends is priceless. If OP keeps score, or track of who spends what, that will drive a wedge in their relationship. It seems he may already view himself, even unconsciously, as superior to these loyal friends. OP is also making a lot of assumptions about his group’s income. These friends might be making just as much but living beneath their means. It never hurts to ask what kind of budget to stay in when planning a group vacation. Putting people in a situation where they cannot afford the vacation but still expecting them to come is a top tier that guy move. 

Second: If OP is dead set on a more luxurious vacation, he should take care of the accommodations one or two big meals, an activity or two, and possibly even travel. OP can afford to rent a nice vacation home large enough for everyone, or a large suite, cabin, etc. When the cost of accommodations is out of the way, his wife’s friends can probably afford whatever else he wants to do. If OP wants to do more expensive activities that are still out of his wife’s friends’ budgets, he should pay for them and invite them along. This option may infringe on the dignity of the other vacationers, and make things feel weird. So, to counteract this, each couple or person could take turns covering a dinner bill, or paying for food for the house, etc. That way, it feels like everyone is contributing, and everyone can just have a pleasant time.

Third: Pay for activities or vacations ahead of time, or at the point of sale, and let the other people pay back however much or in whatever way they can/want. Questioning Youngling says “[a wealthy friend of mine] basically made it clear and sad, ‘I want to do ____ with you and the cost doesn’t matter to me, but if you feel weird about me paying for everything then you can pay me back however much you want.” His friend would then just accept the next meal be covered by the other person, or whatever amount they felt comfortable with.