Our in-laws passed away and we are being expected to pay for the funeral even though the estate could pay for it

When one’s spouse mourns the recent death of a parent, the reaction to follow-up coordination with the spouse’s siblings can exacerbate underlying resentments and past confrontations. The resentments can be calmly and peacefully resolved between the spouses, but forcing the issue when emotions of grief are high can just as easily create irreparable harm to the relationship. 

Funeral Demands From In Laws and A Wise Approach To a Delicate Situation

Built up resentments over perceived slights from in-laws and their dictatorial treatment can spill over into fights between a couple when money is involved.

A caller to the Dave Ramsey Show felt that she was being cast as a villain for her reluctance to accede to the demands of her husband’s siblings to contribute to her in-laws’ funerals when their estate had sufficient funds. The details were as follows:

• The husband is 1 of 8 siblings.
• Each sibling was being told to contribute $3,000 for a total $24,000 funeral price tag.
• The in-laws’ estate has more than sufficient funds to cover the funeral costs. 
• The caller feels that her husband is casting her as a villain for being reluctant to have to pay $3,000.
• The caller and her husband have the money; they are not financially distressed.
• The caller felt unjustly maligned but also felt she needed to bite the bullet and comply in order to keep the peace with her husband, especially during the mourning period.

Ramsey show hosts Dr. John Delony, a mental health wellness expert, and debt elimination strategist Jade Warshaw offered some objective perspective and advice to the caller. Asking the caller to put the shoe on the other foot, they suggested she examine how she would feel if it was her parents who had passed and the husband was being put in a comparable situation.

Going a few steps further, Delony, whose expertise is in helping people emotionally and mentally, identified some key underlying causes for the caller’s distress:

• The caller’s husband was close to his parents and would always do whatever they asked, regardless of her opinion.
• Feeling outnumbered 8-to-1 by his siblings, the husband’s default was to give in to them on the majority of family-related decisions, regardless of the caller’s feelings.
• The caller’s resentment has been building up over the years with a history of feeling she was being ordered what to by her husband’s family and her in-laws, with zero regard for her own input or opinion. 
• The demand for money was a tipping point for the caller, but a confrontation during this time with her husband in his current state of mourning would be ill-advised.

Delony and Warshaw suggested looking at the situation from a broader timeline perspective with the following points:

• If the money is not the issue, the funeral is the time for family solidarity not dissent, so let that one go for now.
• The $3,000 will inevitably be returned when the in-laws’ estate clears probate.
• The husband will appreciate the emotional support from the caller while grieving.
• When the husband’s mourning period has subsided, a heart-to-heart talk with him to explain the need for boundaries on his siblings’ future demands and why she supported his decision despite her resistance would be strategically more effective.

Other Takeaways

Setting boundaries as to the extended family intrusion into a marriage relationship is a key part to strengthening the marital bond’s resilience, and can fuel better mutual respect with in-laws as well.

Delony and Warshaw wisely identified that the issue was not the money, per se, but the family dynamic and history on the part of the caller of feeling marginalized by her in-laws and other members of her husband’s family. 

In all likelihood, the husband is either a middle or the youngest among the 8 siblings, and has been conditioned throughout childhood to comply with the elder siblings’ orders, wishes, and threats, as is wont with most larger families. 

The caller’s encouragement to her husband to back him in standing up to his siblings when they are clearly in the wrong will go a long way to solidifying their own marital bond for the future. While there may be resentment at first, she will earn the respect of her in-laws’ spouses if not the husband’s siblings directly, if the pattern of bullying is consistent. This can open the floor for greater dialogue and mutual approbation during future family emergencies. 

This article is meant solely for information purposes. Relationship counselors and other professionals are better equipped to handle more specific situations and queries.